Home > MissyouMissme > MissyouMissme – 32 (Final)

MissyouMissme – 32 (Final)

Well, this is kind of like a farewell post, since i’m officially considered breakup with the one i love. It is beyond words of sadness and i’m unable to interpret my feelings in words. In total, we’re like knowing each other for 6 years, having intimate (kind of) relationship for like 5 years, a totally strange relationship, we fall in love when we’re young, get together, have some spark and make love. Its so sweet to have be able to make love to someone that you truly love. I’m sure she felt the same too.

Well, things change, while people do realize there is no fairy tales, prince charming, people do look for improvement, we try to improve our life, bit by bit, slowly and slowly, we examine our love and belief, is he who i’m really love?

It all started when i met her at my work place when i’m 19 years of age. I was working in this company and she is interviewing as a clerk that day. She came together with 2 of her friends (if not mistaken), and thats the first time i meet her, well, others might not believe it, but i do, its love at first sight. We started well, since both of us are same age and we kind of having some common conversation. Im an very ambitious person, i work and study my undergraduate at night after work. I have a few final paper coming soon, hence i thought of resigning and better focus on the study. Before i leave the company, i confess my love to her, i hand her a jar of love shape puzzle, but she seems in doubt at that time, knowingly that im gonna have a major exam soon, she told me to study hard and call her after my exam. I study really really hard at that time, i cant wait to see her and be able to at least improve the relationship.

Well, the first thing that i do after the exam, i did call her, im very happy and she is happy for me too. After some mingling on the phone, a couple of house date, on one particular incident, i still remember i draw a line at the marble floor of my house, then i hold her hand and whisper in her ears, “we’re gonna walk pass this line together as if we’re going to be together as a couple.” Slowly, we walk pass the line and i told her, i love her so much, i can see tears in her eyes.
I love her so much, but something seems wrong, we never get off an official and normal relationship, over the years, we got no movies together, 1 dinner together (which is with his friends), a couple of early morning joggings, one morning swimming session, and probably one evening swimming session. Well, other that that, we meet most of the time in the car. Intimate relationship do sometimes blind our judgment. Well, we’re young and we’re not shy on our sex attention.

We’re young then, she claim, we have to make it a secret and never tell anyone because she scare of letting her parents know. Our relationship grow steadily, but when it gets going, its getting tough. Our relationship hit ground zero due to many of the unnecessary, and minor temperamental issue, one thing tho, she seldom reply on messages and seldom reply on phone calls (Thats one thing that she still does until today). Im a person of jealousy, with heavy dominance features in me (Im a Leo – Lion perhaps) I would like to have everything under control, but she seems to be not one of them. We argue and she force me to have a cool off period of 3 months (no phone calls and no meets up). I still love her deeply tho. But still i
have a thoughts of probably she is not serious on me tho.

I was one of the rising star in the company (i work in a foreign bank), i get hit by girls in the office, ultimately, there is one girl which lives nearby my house. She is my best advisor over many of my love issue, when me and my miss love one cool off, me and miss advisor get started. She fully aware of my commitment to miss love one. But still, we get off quite fast, we have movies, we have dinner, we have concerts, everything, it seems everything that miss love one cant give me, but still, there is a gap in the relationship, i never really treat her as my girl friends, because, my heart is committed to the one and only, Miss love one. Over three months of tender relationship, i seriously realize, what i miss is one true love and not some artificial love and care relationship. I broke Miss advisor heart tho, we “broke up” our relationship, as i confess to her, i love miss love one too much, i’ve made my choice. Tears in her eyes, and im a jerk.

3 months ended, i called my love one, we mend up our problems and we in the end get back together, i never told her my advisor relationship, not that i want to lie to her, its just complicated, i thought: “we’re never appreciate if we never losing it”.

Since then, life’s goes on, i still dont get cinema, concerts, shoppings etc, but we do have some
breakfast once in a while, sex is good tho. Well, every good things will come to an end. She started to avoid me, grounded for sex, saying sex is only for husband, what we did last time is merely.. bla bla bla. Well i believe her, i love her so much, now i want to be her husband and want her to be my wife, even thought we’re not that old though. We’re around 23 years of age at that time. Numerous time, we argue, and frequently she mentioned about breaking out, i forever love her so much, i always beg for forgiveness, even if its her fault anyway, well, thats what couple do right? We accept and love her even for her mistake?

This is the time where i took on my MBA program and my life is getting difficult with work and study come in place. Work is stress, i have no sex (she do good massage tho), no entertainment with my love one (still no cinema and shopping together) This is when, i am getting more and more dependent on her existence. I will get worried when she is not home early, no phone calls, no reply, no messages, goes outstation on work related matters etc (Im too sensitive and
she is too passive – she is still the same one love one who dont feel like replying phone calls etc)

Around 1 month ago, similarly to the little ceremony in my house when i hold her hands cross the line pronouncing, forever together, unconciously, i did the same thing while i hole her hand in the park, when we have a morning jog. I simply hold her hands and pass through a flowerish overhead gate, i told her, i love her. Im too happy to forget that moment, its so sweet.

Today its March 15, 2009, Im 26 years old, our relationship remain the same, except everything is getting a little less frequent. I have resign my job like 9 months ago, im getting little to no romance with no flower to her office or special birthday present as if the early of our relationship. Since im dependent on my savings to pay for my school fees. I got one more paper to go, until i finally completed the course.

Well, everything after today will be history, because finally i have to accept the unacceptable truth. She is seriously broken up with me. Reason? Im too good a person, too caring, our “feeling” is getting less (while she do admit, she do love me once), we barely know each other, i’m not suitable for her, life is bored, etc. Love life is always my weakness, tears started rolling in my eyes as soon as i heard that. She told me her little kiss and hug affair with an ex colleague, i told her about my little advisor affair and soon found the truth love incident. Well, i cheated on her, so is she, we’re fair and square. She’s not leaving me on another guy tho, however she do mentioned that she do have real feeling to mister ex colleague, but he have since
give up on her. In truth, i can feel happiness in her voice throughout the conversation when she
mentioned about mister ex colleague, i told her i will wish her all the best, but in truth…

I cant. I still deeply in love with her. I felt im not given a fair ground to judge, eventhough we do drag on the relationship over almost 7 years. Facts, im not having a date with her for more that 2 ½ hours over the past 4 years. No shopping, no cinema, no traveling, it just isn;t normal.
Life is short, there is still plenty of details that i have not fill up in this final blog page. I love her a lot, that much i can certain, i cant weight on how much she love me, but she do admit that she will miss me. Im sadden that the sudden event happen through the phone and not face to face, in my heart, she owe me my farewell kiss. Im a star with broken heart, a star seriously cant shine with a broken heart. Now, what should i do?

Life’s goes on. I still love her. I do not know, it may take a while to forget her, or in my belief, i will never ever able to forget her. Because i seriously love her too much. What is love? Im not sure anymore as i write on this, i still trying to halt my sob. Sob Sob!!! QQ.
I should now channel all my energy to my study and my unfinish career. I shall keep the pace up and get on with life. I doubt i can trust on another female object. It will definitely need time to heal. Once im ready, i shall give her a call and hopefully she is still available for trial run. This time round, i would like to seriously know her better, with a normal dating life.
I still love her, and i miss her a lot and i hope she will know this when she read this. I know myself better, im not likely to love on another women anytime soon, im still mourning for my own stupidity. Its kind of funny tho, especially if ur a third party reading this. Stop laughing please, because im crying now.

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